Without you
by Ann aspiring writer
Summary: Kabuto has no use for the sun, not anymore. But what is wrong with loving the moon, even if it s far away?


**Strange infatuation seems to grace the evening tide.  
I'll take it by your side.  
Such imagination seems to help the feeling slide.  
I'll take it by your side.  
Instant correlation sucks and breeds a pack of lies.  
I'll take it by your side.**

** Placebo – Without you I`m nothing**

Kabuto is used to being called a child. The word sounds sickly sweet on Lord Orochimaru`s tongue, like a tainted blessing merged with derision. Sometimes, in the rare and frightening moments of yearning he dares not allow himself, Kabuto pretends there is a foreign sort of tenderness hidden in there, just for him. He would scold himself for being an utter fool, for he knows his master better than anyone, has lived in his presence far too long to entertain such hope.

He feels humiliation seep through his very bones when he catches himself on the brink of deep, genuine sorrow one day. And all because of a simple word.

_Orochimaru-sama was once again disrupting his frail health by training all afternoon with Sasuke-kun. Kabuto felt the increasingly frightening surge of chakra expanding all over the barren fields, permeating the atmosphere with malicious will. He knew Sasuke-kun was being shaped, redefined into a nightmare of a ninja, a shinobi worthy of his master`s praise and effort. He hated to admit, even to himself, that the trembling boy they found was a raw, bleeding wound of talent and hatred. He would probably have become a legendary shinobi, had he not been chosen as the next vessel. But the child was growing more and more difficult to control with each passing day and Orochimaru-sama seemed to cater to every passing whim, determined to keep him entertained. Kabuto could see, clear as day, that his lord was going out of his way to please him. _

_**When he wouldn`t even glance upon me, were I in need of anything. When he would strike me down, as soon as I became impertinent. **__More than anything, it stung his pride. He felt that all his efforts to be useful were barely acknowledged with a nod or a glance. Perhaps a smile (and Kabuto`s heart would do funny, embarassing things inside his chest). _

_He soon came to stand by his side on the field, wanting to request instructions about how to proceed with an unfinished older project of his. Of theirs. Kabuto could sense Sasuke`s annoyance at the sudden loss of focus. He had to admit, the boy was a dilligent worker. He supposed it came with hatred. _

"_Lord Orochimaru, should I employ the current protocol, or do you want to supervize the extraction yourself?"_

"_There`s no need to rush into things." As if he already had eternity at his command. He probably saw Kabuto`s mouth already forming the protest. "Fine, I will read over the data tonight. You shall have your answer by dawn." _

_A cough and a few droplets of blood on an otherwise impecable sleeve. _

"_Orochimaru-sama, you should retire to your chambers and rest for a while. You`re overworking yourself again." He ignored Sasuke-kun`s snort. Of course, Sasuke-kun didn`t care. _

_The smile on his lord`s face was ice. _

"_I shall retire when I see fit, child. Do not interrupt us anymore." _

_Kabuto drowned the need to lash out in a wave of anger. "As you wish, Orochimaru-sama. I was only speaking as your medic." He bowed, because even when hurt and humiliated by his masters`s poisoned tongue, he could, would not disrespect him. _

Several hours later, his mind is still running in circles around that cursed remark. Kabuto knows that it`s irrational of him to dwell on such things _as if he cared_, when he should be going about his duty as the main supervizor of the hideout. He`s a tool, after all...and a tool should be useful. Dilligent. Impersonal. _Us. Do not interrupt us (We are in a different league from you, you stupid child. You could never understand what genius means. You`re lucky I still find you of some use). _

Kabuto refuses to cry, for crying would mean acknowledging something he wishes to bury deep inside and smother once and for all. Orochimaru-sama has no patience for such folly.

_But why do I serve him still? _

_Shut up, you don`t want to answer that. _

Truth is, he could run away, far from this wretched place and his wretched master. He probably wouldn`t even bother to search for him. Not anymore. Kabuto could do just fine without Sasuke-kun`s annoying huffs. And Orochimaru-sama... well, that would pass too, eventually. _Yes, I won`t interrupt them anymore. _

So Kabuto decides to retire early to his room (a plain, sad little space close to his master`s chambers), to put his things in order and collect some notebooks containg results from his previous experiments under Orochimaru`s guidance. _I shall leave behind all else. _

"You`re not planning on coming back, are you?" Orochimaru says when it becomes clear that Kabuto won`t turn around to face him. He made sure his presence was obvious in the already eerie atmosphere of the room as soon as he materialized there. He sensed something was amiss, from the way Kabuto`s shouldes hunched just so on the field, from his conspicous absence for the rest of the day and knew he might have pushed Kabuto too far away. Even for him, who always came back, pride torn to pieces, willing to stand by his side.

"No, Orochimaru-sama, I`m not."

The Sannin frowns, curiosity and anger clashing in his golden eyes.

"Why now? You`ve been with me for such a long time, Kabuto."

Kabuto is aware of the Sannin`s slowly approaching steps. He takes his time to reach Kabuto, as if they have all the hours and days and years to spend together, as if it doesn`t matter if it`s now or later. As if he knows he will reach Kabuto just in time. He is aware of that stolen body radiating waves of chakra towards him, a caress before he is even close enough to touch. A body he helped prepare for a jutsu that is theirs. _Damn it. Damn him. I poured my heart and soul into this, there`s no use denying it now. _

"With all due respect, Orochimaru-sama, that`s something I think you might never understand." The Sannin simply laughs at the insolence.

"Try me, Kabuto. I`ll offer you a deal. If I`m right about your reason, you`ll stay by me like you`ve always done." Kabuto stands his ground, eyes glued to Orochimaru`s, almost wishing for him to be correct about everything. His one and only master, with hair as black as the midning sky framing his face, making him look younger, healthier.

" Alas, if I`m wrong and it turns out I`ve misunderstood my right-hand man all this time, the shame`s on me and you are free to go." Orochimaru silences him by gently (who knew his master, a man of war and sharp edges, could be gentle), gently lifting a finger to Kabuto`s lips. Kabuto supresses the sudden urge to shiver. He has a hypothesis about where this is going and his traitorous heart is nearly bursting inside his ribcage.

"But understand this, Kabuto. Should you one day wish to return to me, you will find no trace of any door open for you. You probably won`t find any hideout at all. Could you leave, never to come back? Could you gamble all this on my perception?_"_

"I already did, years ago. When I saw your reflection in the water instead of mine. When I cut into the first body at your command. When I stood by your side after the Third had sealed your hands away. When I offered you my body and you almost died." The bitterness grows and grows and swells inside, until Kabuto feels the urge to scream, to hit, to plead, to beg. But he crushes the impulse with a last tremendous effort.

"Need I remind you that _I, _the one you claim to serve, made you second in command over this village? My right hand man. The one entrusted with the keys, the experiments, the secrets. The one who looks after my health when I`m sick and bedridden. The one I found useful as more than just a body to transfer into, because it occured to me years ago that you, unlike most of the world, have insight. Then why are you planning to leave, if not for a lack of loyalty?"

His lord is moving closer now. Angry and curious and sure of himself. Kabuto is certain that he knows the reason, at least on some intuitive level and wonders if he is to survive the embarassment. He knows how cruel Orochimaru-sama can be, how direct and cynical. But still, the part of him that allows him to indulge in idiocy from time to time wants to see how the situation might turn out. He`s been keeping himself at bay for too long, restrained and bitter and unwilling to admit it.

"It`s because you want more." And Orochimaru-sama is holding him by the shoulders, rendering him incapable of moving, staring him down with those golden, all-encompassing eyes. "You crave the attention. You want the praise. You can`t stand how Sasuke-kun has it so effortlessly, although you don`t think he deserves it, genius or not. But he _is _a genius, Kabuto, so I can`t help but feed his ego. The things that boy can do. "

"Then allow me to leave, Orochimaru-sama." Kabuto raises his chin defiantly.

"I `d rather not. I suppose you expect me to tell you how useful you are, what a proficient little servant you`ve become to me over these years. Your words ring true. But I `d rather tell you something more, just like you want, don`t you?" The hands move lower on his arms, unrestrained by the ever-present fluttering of Kabuto`s entire body. So this is what being set on fire feels like. "I enjoy it, perhaps more than I should. The routine as we go about the day, the experiments and the meals, the nights when I can`t sleep and you soothe the pain. I appreciate you, Kabuto. More than I usually let on. Petty, childish, cruel, isn`t it? The things they say behind my back. And it warms me a little on the inside that you, Kabuto, _you_ know how true they are, yet you never actually betrayed me."

"You`ve always made it quite difficult to tell lie from truth, Lord Orochimaru."

"I could have let you leave. I could have hunted you down and killed you. I could have simply let you walk away. I could order you to never leave me. But I remember I`ve always given you a choice. Think back carefully."

Kabuto tears his eyes away and nods. He knows it to be true, even when his lord`s caress blurs even the room they`re in. "Here`s yet another choice for you, dearest Kabuto."

There are cold lips pressing against his and a gentle grip at the nape of his neck. Kabuto`s never imagined them kissing, not even in dreams. There would be clotheless fumbling, whispers, maybe caressess (if the dream was particularly generous), but never kisses. They implied a sort of benevolent equality that Kabuto could not allow himself to expect. That`s how he knows it`s real, his first kiss on the wretched day when he almost got pushed too far away (_almost). _

His lips move thoughtlessly. He probably would not have it in him to stop them, even if he wanted to. By the day he saw someone`s blurred face in the water and swore loyalty to something he then couldn`t even begin to comprehend, he kisses back. He`s hesitant and probably completely inept, because his lord smiles like he used to years ago, while he was teaching him fragments from his research. The knowing smile, the one holding a promise to shape, to form, to define.

Kabuto strives, as always, to make him proud. He parts his lips under the pleasant sensation and gasps at the contact, unsure of what to do next. But dammit, he`s longed for this overwhelming feeling of tongue and teeth, of belonging, seeking and finding, at last, something to hold on to.

So he holds on through it all, through pleasure, such pleasure and pain, with his arms around his lord`s neck, fingers worshipping the soft curtain of dark hair he`s longed for so much.

When it`s over, after what feels like a lifetime (worth living), tears stain his cheeks and he nearly collapses under the realization of what has just taken place. To Kabuto, it feels huge, like a dam broke somewhere, like the moon shined its ethereal beauty on his face. Kabuto has no use for the sun, not anymore. But what is wrong with loving the moon, even if it`s far away?

"Finally" he says to the silence of their mingled breaths.


End file.
